Edition:
November 27, 2009
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Movie Reviewers, The Friday Flyer
Love sucks. Well, that’s what we learned last year from the vampires in “Twilight.” In this stunning sequel, we’ve progressed to an entirely new level. Love bites! We now have teen werewolves with more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Who let the dogs out? But, this is the best werewolf/vampire combo since Lon Chaney Jr. and Bela Lugosi.
Forbidden fruit is juicy, forbidden romance enticing, but forbidden teen romance? Now, that’s entertainment! Based on the Stephenie Meyer novels, Kristen Stewart returns as Bella, that wholesomely attractive teener in love with vampire Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, who has that whole moody James Dean thing going on.
This series is more than a blockbuster, it is a cultural phenomenon; uncommon, unprecedented and undead. While serious movie buffs scratch their heads, “Twilighters” can’t get enough of the books, movies and stars. Say what you will, and we know you will, these diehard “Twi-hards” and “Twilight Moms” are serious about their characters.
Although it is not necessary to have read the books, or to have even seen the original “Twilight,” it helps. But, what’s more important is to simply buy into the somewhat universal premise. A confused teenage girl struggles with family relationships, new friends and first love. A dark and chilly British Columbia, where it was filmed, provides an attractive backdrop to capture the moody angst-ridden challenges faced by many teens.
Bella’s father Charlie (Billy Burke) is as cool as TV’s Earl as he tries to understand, but what do Dads know about love and vampires? And, Bella’s buffed best friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner, who added 26 pounds of muscle to his frame), is always there for her. Edward is so dreamy, but few could approve of this undesirable minority.
It’s Bella’s birthday. She’s 18 and he’s 109, but it once worked for Anna Nicole Smith (too soon?). Bella doesn’t want a celebration, but Edward’s cute sister Alice (Ashley Greene) is throwing a small party for her in the family cave . . . uh house. While unwrapping a present, Bella gets a small paper cut and drips some blood on the carpet.
Surrounded by vampires, she stands there like nothing even happened. Hasn’t she even seen a vampire movie before? Sheesh! Of course adopted brother Jasper has no self-control whatsoever and pounces on the precious morsel. Fortunately, Edward is there to over-react and break up a room full of furniture, including a grand piano; so chivalrous.
Realizing he can’t protect Bella forever, Edward leaves with that old line “It’s not you, it’s me.” Hey, he’s 109! As you know, a teen’s broken heart cannot be mended; so why even try? Bella drones, “The absence of him is everywhere I look,” which reminds of us of Randy Travis singing, “If my phone is still not ringing, I’ll assume it’s still not you.”
After moping for months, Bella wanders with reckless abandon and becomes what appears to be a certified adrenaline junkie. She’d rather have that pound of pain than an ounce of prevention. As Jacob starts to become more than a friend, he asks her, “Have you ever had a secret you couldn’t tell anyone?” Hel-lo! Then, “We (werewolves) only kill what we are trying to protect you from, vampires!” OMG! Awk-ward!
“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” is 130 minutes and rated PG for violence and action. Director Chris Weitz (“Golden Compass”) replacing Catherine Hardwicke, drags the story out, but finally gets momentum when the wolves hit the screen. Then, Lautner gives his assets a run in the yard and removes his shirt more times than Matthew McConaughey.
The Academy will never recognize these actors, but stay tuned for the MTV and People’s Choice Awards. And, let’s face it; many in the audience enjoyed watching buffed “guys gone wild” run in the forest. But to others, seeing shirtless minorities with baggie shorts is not much more than another chase scene from TV’s “Cops.”
Ron’s Rating: B Leigh’s Rating: B
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